Dear Fiasco Family,
My last post ("A Critique of Tomatoes", 4/20/06), in which I described one of my recent and many profound spiritual experiences, has caused unrest at the Peripheral Fiasco home office in Snowflake, Arizona. The executives have asked me to release a "more appropriate and less religious" post that "follows format, you know like Mr. Rogers".
My counterparts at the Fiasco! Factory have been silenced by our lawyers and are unable to publicly discuss this blatent act of censorship. At this morning's private teleconference we unanimously decided for the benefit of our younger fans it is best if I just comply. So, in the interest of the children I offer you this instead:
My agent thinks this poem is the most important politicol work I've ever done. She says it really tugs at the essence of the State of Michigan's swimmer's itch eradication program.
Fiasco Mash
Superduck, oh fowel from space
Project me to to a happy place
For a minute or two, reimbursed by you
For a missing disc of turkey
Superduck, oh wise and bright
Return me to a former night
Of nerds and words spelled with similar letters
Of tittilating avian bedtime stories
Superduck, the sky is yours
So migrate the day away
I won't disturb you, nay nay nay
Unless I feel the need to use the word "chum baron" in a sentence
Thomas Jefferson was a real chum baron
When he heard the news of George Washington
And his victory in the dollar bill face contest
Want to bring an end to the use of "chum baron" in sentences? Join the crusade at:
http://peripheralfiasco.blogspot.com/2006/03/vitamin-fed-superducks.html
4.22.2006
4.20.2006
A Critique of Tomatoes
A man once sold me a piece of furniture. A table. The table where I sit to eat most every meal. Built by his hand. The design he stole from a monastery in British Columbia. His table would stand alone even amongst the droves of washed out and stained, dented and dinged, old or are they new tables in the streets of Taos.
He appears to me. Not as an apparition but as a frequent happenstance never coincidence in the streets of Taos. First, at the grocery store where he kindly reminds me I owe him the blanket I borrowed to transport the table. Now, at the corporate box store where he smiles as I interrupt his critique of this year's potted tomato plants.
The exchange of words today is the same as the day I met him befuddled and busy in his tiny workshop. There every workbench and every tool was covered in dust and the neighbor's dogs spyed feverishly from the windows of old junk cars. He said he had a bad run with booze and at 61 he was gonna beat it. And make a late return to the art, the color, the pleasures long since drowned. I said I had a bad run with trying. Trying to fly when I was better off walking.
With him it's easy to talk about the blessings in life, so today we do. Then about cell phones and head cancer, and the pros and cons of the wholesale furniture business. We shake hands the way monks would shake hands. Gentle and unknowing in the streets of Taos. We part ways and I sit on a cheap and uncomfortable bench waiting for a ride. Content as a magpie and not less colorful.
He appears to me. Not as an apparition but as a frequent happenstance never coincidence in the streets of Taos. First, at the grocery store where he kindly reminds me I owe him the blanket I borrowed to transport the table. Now, at the corporate box store where he smiles as I interrupt his critique of this year's potted tomato plants.
The exchange of words today is the same as the day I met him befuddled and busy in his tiny workshop. There every workbench and every tool was covered in dust and the neighbor's dogs spyed feverishly from the windows of old junk cars. He said he had a bad run with booze and at 61 he was gonna beat it. And make a late return to the art, the color, the pleasures long since drowned. I said I had a bad run with trying. Trying to fly when I was better off walking.
With him it's easy to talk about the blessings in life, so today we do. Then about cell phones and head cancer, and the pros and cons of the wholesale furniture business. We shake hands the way monks would shake hands. Gentle and unknowing in the streets of Taos. We part ways and I sit on a cheap and uncomfortable bench waiting for a ride. Content as a magpie and not less colorful.
Don't Knock It
I’ve never tried eating pickles and peanut-butter, or jumping from a three story building into a glass filled dumpster, or even speeding through a red light with my hands over my eyes. But I know with almost complete certainty that I won’t like doing them. I say “almost” because the speeding through the red light thing could really get the heart racing, and sometimes I can use a shot of adrenaline like that to wake me from this mundane existence I call a life...but anyhoo, I digress.
My point is the phrase “don’t knock it ‘til you try it” should really be reserved for those things in life that are universally considered pleasures…like sunlight. There are a good many things I can freely knock in this world without trying…like the Bee Gees for example, or trying to eat the cream part of an Oreo last. Some things you just look at and say “man, that’s stupid,” like the Church of Scientology or the George W. administration. Not everyone has a taste for being blindly led into the nearest apocalypse.
So in the future, I implore you, when someone says “don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” remove their tongue with the nearest set of vise grips and soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.
My point is the phrase “don’t knock it ‘til you try it” should really be reserved for those things in life that are universally considered pleasures…like sunlight. There are a good many things I can freely knock in this world without trying…like the Bee Gees for example, or trying to eat the cream part of an Oreo last. Some things you just look at and say “man, that’s stupid,” like the Church of Scientology or the George W. administration. Not everyone has a taste for being blindly led into the nearest apocalypse.
So in the future, I implore you, when someone says “don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” remove their tongue with the nearest set of vise grips and soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes.
4.19.2006
A Peel to the Masses
It has come to my attention by way of telepathic door-knocking that in order to acheive the slippery insertion of Fiasco! doctorine into the vagina of nerd culture we must encourage public participation. The logic is as follows:
1. Would the baseball player have baseballed had he/she not been invited to join the team?
2. Would the janitor have janitored had his friend not beckoned him one day to "look at that big piece of shit floating in there"?
3. Would the world's number one ranked boxing poet have changed the lyrics of John Lennon's Imagine where "Imagine all the people/Living life in peace", became "Imagine all the peepholes/In Elton John's house" had he not been exposed to mind altering chemicals and group-oriented tomfoolery?
So I invite you the reader, be you friend or foe, to join us.
Your assignment:
- Describe a character (fictional or real, no ligers please).
- Explain how that character would respond when asked, "What is a Texas Teddy Bear?"
And the world will live as one.
1. Would the baseball player have baseballed had he/she not been invited to join the team?
2. Would the janitor have janitored had his friend not beckoned him one day to "look at that big piece of shit floating in there"?
3. Would the world's number one ranked boxing poet have changed the lyrics of John Lennon's Imagine where "Imagine all the people/Living life in peace", became "Imagine all the peepholes/In Elton John's house" had he not been exposed to mind altering chemicals and group-oriented tomfoolery?
So I invite you the reader, be you friend or foe, to join us.
Your assignment:
- Describe a character (fictional or real, no ligers please).
- Explain how that character would respond when asked, "What is a Texas Teddy Bear?"
And the world will live as one.
4.14.2006
Letters: Lunchables
To whom it may concern,
Today I purchased a turkey and cheese lunchable from the vending machine at my workplace. I was hoping to consider it lunchable enough to qualify as lunch. Much to my dismay when I got down to the last cracker-cheese product-turkey combo, I was one turkey circle short. I was thrown for a loop.
"Do they expect me to eat just a cracker-cheese product combo?", I thought.
The triple threat of cracker, cheese product and turkey is so enormously good. It hurt me to finish my lunch on such a sour note. Here it is 2 hours later and I am still not over it.
Now you the good people of Kraft foods have been good to me in the past. I have enjoyed your cheese slices since my youth. (By the way, I think it is pure genius how you have put arrows on the clear packaging allowing the cheese eater to open the cheese with minimal effort.) This is why I alert you to this oversight. I am sure that on a whole your lunchables are quite well proportioned, but this particular one was not, and I thought that since you care you would want to know. After all what is a lunchable if not totally lunchable?
Thank you for your time and keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
W. J. DeBalt
------------------------
Response from the good people at Kraft foods:
Thank you for visiting http://www.kraftfoods.com/.
I'm sorry for your experience with OSCAR MAYER LUNCHABLES 97% Fat Free Lunch Combination. The problem you described sounds like there was a possible mechanical failure at our facility. I am sending you reimbursement via first class mail, which you should receive within 7-10 business days.
We value the quality of the products that leave our facility. We give careful attention to each step of our manufacturing process. Samples from each production run are evaluated before we ship them, in an effort to prevent any unsatisfactory products from entering distribution.
Mistakes can sometimes occur on our production lines. We try to prevent this by stationing inspectors at various points along the production lines, and their duties include watching for malfunctions. Also, our quality control staff makes regular rounds throughout the production area during the day in order to ensure that production equipment is functioning properly.
I hope this information is helpful, and again, I apologize for this experience.
Kim McMiller
Assoc Director, Consumer Relations
Today I purchased a turkey and cheese lunchable from the vending machine at my workplace. I was hoping to consider it lunchable enough to qualify as lunch. Much to my dismay when I got down to the last cracker-cheese product-turkey combo, I was one turkey circle short. I was thrown for a loop.
"Do they expect me to eat just a cracker-cheese product combo?", I thought.
The triple threat of cracker, cheese product and turkey is so enormously good. It hurt me to finish my lunch on such a sour note. Here it is 2 hours later and I am still not over it.
Now you the good people of Kraft foods have been good to me in the past. I have enjoyed your cheese slices since my youth. (By the way, I think it is pure genius how you have put arrows on the clear packaging allowing the cheese eater to open the cheese with minimal effort.) This is why I alert you to this oversight. I am sure that on a whole your lunchables are quite well proportioned, but this particular one was not, and I thought that since you care you would want to know. After all what is a lunchable if not totally lunchable?
Thank you for your time and keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
W. J. DeBalt
------------------------
Response from the good people at Kraft foods:
Thank you for visiting http://www.kraftfoods.com/.
I'm sorry for your experience with OSCAR MAYER LUNCHABLES 97% Fat Free Lunch Combination. The problem you described sounds like there was a possible mechanical failure at our facility. I am sending you reimbursement via first class mail, which you should receive within 7-10 business days.
We value the quality of the products that leave our facility. We give careful attention to each step of our manufacturing process. Samples from each production run are evaluated before we ship them, in an effort to prevent any unsatisfactory products from entering distribution.
Mistakes can sometimes occur on our production lines. We try to prevent this by stationing inspectors at various points along the production lines, and their duties include watching for malfunctions. Also, our quality control staff makes regular rounds throughout the production area during the day in order to ensure that production equipment is functioning properly.
I hope this information is helpful, and again, I apologize for this experience.
Kim McMiller
Assoc Director, Consumer Relations
4.06.2006
When I am rich
When I am rich I am going to have a bathroom with a toilet that has a mechanism that randomly adjusts the height to be different every time you use it. Not by much only a couple of inches. I am not sure how the whole thing will work, but I will be rich so I will pay someone to figure that out. I think that when you are about to sit on the toilet you are pretty much as vulnerable as you are going to get. So when you go to sit down and the toilet is about 1.57 inches lower than you expect it to be, that is funny to me. And it should be funny to you too, because if you can't laugh at yourself and your toilet misjudgings, than you really have some growing to do. Hopefully my sneaky toilet will help you with that.
I also want secret passages in my house. Nothing funny about that.
I also want secret passages in my house. Nothing funny about that.
3.31.2006
3.29.2006
The orthoepist wore earmuffs
The orthoepist wore earmuffs, which he earned helping the elderly after the earthquake. He was eager to show them off so he headed eastward. He was an eccentric young man, egotistical and egregious at nearly all of his endeavors. Yet evangelism he found effortless for he was quite educated about it and equally enthusiastic. He envisioned an army of evangelists in earmuffs, free of emolument, eventually able to evoke an evolution of either the egg-headed or evil-minded. But by Easter Sunday his enjoyment with evangelism had evaporated. He eyed a more easy-going employment in erotica. He was envious of hookers, or so it says on his epitaph.
3.26.2006
greener grass II
Today the mouse stopped by the kitchen stool to "shoot the proverbial breeze" as he put it. He used words like "portfolio", and "'78 Riesling", and "sun-drenched sunday drives". I paid him only a cursory attention, content to admire the kitchen window's semi-transparent rendition of a man on a stool: hair disheveled, underwear stiff with last night's ejaculate. The gentle steam spilling up from the mouse's coffe mug finally interrupted my lobotomy stare. I remember when I used to drink coffee. I wish i had some now.
3.24.2006
Perspicuous in P
Puzzled with pattern? Perplexed by pondering? Then you might find this passage less than perspicuous. You could pass it on to the Pentagon but they would probably just persecute you. Perhaps they’d call you a pansy and pull on your ponytail, or poke you in the pupils. Either way their patronizing is bound to be pernicious. Personally I find politicians annoying. Their pessimism is nothing short of pointless. Have they considered the possibility that pointing out someone else’s problems is simply a perversion? Like they’re so privileged they can just say what they please. I get so peeved just thinking about it. Like the person I sold a cup of pee to as a boy, claiming it was lemonade. That guy was so pissed, pardon the pun. Sometimes I wonder if he told his parents. My folks would have peeled around the corner like they drove a Porche and picked a fight with his Papa. Of course my dad was no poltroon. In fact he was generally the protagonist in any competition. He’d pull peacocks from his pockets, pluck their feathers and use them as projectiles, pronouncing to the world his prominence in feats of strength. Anyway what do you expect from a pauper like my Pa, plainly he had something to prove.
3.22.2006
Vitamin-fed Superducks
Vitamin-fed Superducks is the answer to alot of questions.
What is my favorite food?
Who should the democrats push to the forefront for the 08 election?
How does Macaulay Culkin stay so young?
Who keeps writing my name on all the highway overpasses?
The Who?
... and now it appears that they are also the answer to our nations crack like addiction to oil.
Now that Rube & I have solved that head scratcher, this will free up more time for more important issues, like badminton.
What is my favorite food?
Who should the democrats push to the forefront for the 08 election?
How does Macaulay Culkin stay so young?
Who keeps writing my name on all the highway overpasses?
The Who?
... and now it appears that they are also the answer to our nations crack like addiction to oil.
Now that Rube & I have solved that head scratcher, this will free up more time for more important issues, like badminton.
3.20.2006
the grass is greener
The mouse darted across the linoleum and vanished into the subflooring. From my kitchen stool i could see the soft glow of candlelight illuminating his entrance, gently flickering in the stirring drafts generated by his forced air heating unit. Barely audible was the rise and fall of his guests' dinner conversation above the spinning 45s of pre-Korean War honky tonk and the occasional clink of fine stemware as toasts were bantered back and forth at a near-dizzying pace. None of this escaped my attention from my kitchen perch. I was alone, clad solely in underwear, eating corn chips. Contemplating masturbation. Were the power turned on, the television would surely be snowing. I hate that mouse.
3.18.2006
Orthoepy in O
Orthoepy in O
It seems like just yesterday I saw an orthoepist trying to pronounce his role. What a silly man with his Vinnie Delpino haircut and his obvious Buck Rogers “how do you do.” He would sit in his oubliette eating omelets while cursing the Mayan’s and their word “bub” for its undeniable complexity. He dreamed of a day when he could fashion osmium from orris and oust those Mayans from Ouagodougou. It was a lofty plan, but he imagined otherwise; of course, he was usually sauced on ouzo. Generally speaking he was an oenophile but he loved that sweet flavor of ouzo and its odoriferousness. He thanked the Grecians for their creation often, calling them outstanding and other words starting with “O.” Besides, intoxicants were the only way he could ignore the obnoxious warbles of the odious ovenbird which nested outside his dungeon. There are oodles of ovenbirds in Ottawa, enough to make him loathe ornithology. So he would ossify oatmeal and stone the ovenbirds, but most people saw this as ostentatious. Occasionally I still hear of the orthoepist and his obstreperous occupation. It seems he’s simply over-anxious about being an octoroon.
It seems like just yesterday I saw an orthoepist trying to pronounce his role. What a silly man with his Vinnie Delpino haircut and his obvious Buck Rogers “how do you do.” He would sit in his oubliette eating omelets while cursing the Mayan’s and their word “bub” for its undeniable complexity. He dreamed of a day when he could fashion osmium from orris and oust those Mayans from Ouagodougou. It was a lofty plan, but he imagined otherwise; of course, he was usually sauced on ouzo. Generally speaking he was an oenophile but he loved that sweet flavor of ouzo and its odoriferousness. He thanked the Grecians for their creation often, calling them outstanding and other words starting with “O.” Besides, intoxicants were the only way he could ignore the obnoxious warbles of the odious ovenbird which nested outside his dungeon. There are oodles of ovenbirds in Ottawa, enough to make him loathe ornithology. So he would ossify oatmeal and stone the ovenbirds, but most people saw this as ostentatious. Occasionally I still hear of the orthoepist and his obstreperous occupation. It seems he’s simply over-anxious about being an octoroon.
3.16.2006
entertainment update
Your Tardis has just materialized on the lawn of the White House in the year 1945. The stars and stripes are nowhere to be seen! Flying in their place are red flags emblazoned with a pecuilar cross. What in the name of finely sculpted miniatures is going on here?
Only in the brave new world of Doctor Who could such an adventure take place. I'm giving this new series 4 out of 5 Time Lords and also recommending that you scour the department store shelves for its another-saturday-night-alone companion, the Doctor Who Role Playing Game! With these adventures through time and space, social interaction will seem as foreign as Temporal Marauder fashion sense!
Still searching for the ultimate escape? How about an enchanting young acress realizing her own fantasy, cavorting with unicorns and consorting with pixies? Mia Sara steps out: "I always find fantasy a comfortable environment, quite frankly. I get caught up in it frequently. I think fantasy is wonderful." This is one fantasy that's sure to sizzle this summer as Mia appears opposite another up and comer, the tall drink of water that responds to "Tom Cruise", in Ridley Scott's Legend.
Put that stereo down and get out of the bathtub! Beautiful enamel on "gold" Star Trek pins are now available. Approximately 1" wide, you too can appear to be master of all galaxies you survey with Klingon Ranks (Admiral and Captain), Star Trek Executive Insignia w/ Logo, and the highly coveted United Federation of Planets symbol. Why open your mouth and instantly condemn your feeble attempts at conversation with the petite brunette that rides A1 Line each business day? Remember? The one you followed at a reasonable, yet criminally invasive distance? From now on these hot commemorative lapel enhacers will say everything that needs to be said.
News Flash America!
Japan + Animation = JAPANIMATION! Giant robots, space boys, and wide-eyed teen heroes zoom onto syndicated television as Japanese science-fiction cartoons amaze America! Glimpse into a future of eastern-tinged television programming that screams latent sexuality and $2 voice-overs. Keep your eyes peeled for upcoming marvels like Force Five, Thunderbirds 2086, and Voltron, Defender of the Universe!
Anyone else had their lives completely confiscated by NBC's spine-tingler V??? These Visitors (get it??) are mean, nasty, and they're lizards, to boot! Not only that, but they want mankind - for lunch! That plot line is a recipe that will have us all lining up for seconds in the chow line. And how about Lydia and Diane (June Chadwick and Jande Badler)? Beautiful and bitchy! I love it!
Sadly, that will have to do it for this edition of Entertainment Update. My Kobayashi Maru Neutronic Fuel Carrier manual arrived today and I'm literally wet with anticipation! Not to rub it in, but this little baby reveals all the details about this mysterious unseen ship from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.
Until next time then, loyal readers, this has been your Man of Action, Man of Bronze bringing you all the latest, all the greatest.
Only in the brave new world of Doctor Who could such an adventure take place. I'm giving this new series 4 out of 5 Time Lords and also recommending that you scour the department store shelves for its another-saturday-night-alone companion, the Doctor Who Role Playing Game! With these adventures through time and space, social interaction will seem as foreign as Temporal Marauder fashion sense!
Still searching for the ultimate escape? How about an enchanting young acress realizing her own fantasy, cavorting with unicorns and consorting with pixies? Mia Sara steps out: "I always find fantasy a comfortable environment, quite frankly. I get caught up in it frequently. I think fantasy is wonderful." This is one fantasy that's sure to sizzle this summer as Mia appears opposite another up and comer, the tall drink of water that responds to "Tom Cruise", in Ridley Scott's Legend.
Put that stereo down and get out of the bathtub! Beautiful enamel on "gold" Star Trek pins are now available. Approximately 1" wide, you too can appear to be master of all galaxies you survey with Klingon Ranks (Admiral and Captain), Star Trek Executive Insignia w/ Logo, and the highly coveted United Federation of Planets symbol. Why open your mouth and instantly condemn your feeble attempts at conversation with the petite brunette that rides A1 Line each business day? Remember? The one you followed at a reasonable, yet criminally invasive distance? From now on these hot commemorative lapel enhacers will say everything that needs to be said.
News Flash America!
Japan + Animation = JAPANIMATION! Giant robots, space boys, and wide-eyed teen heroes zoom onto syndicated television as Japanese science-fiction cartoons amaze America! Glimpse into a future of eastern-tinged television programming that screams latent sexuality and $2 voice-overs. Keep your eyes peeled for upcoming marvels like Force Five, Thunderbirds 2086, and Voltron, Defender of the Universe!
Anyone else had their lives completely confiscated by NBC's spine-tingler V??? These Visitors (get it??) are mean, nasty, and they're lizards, to boot! Not only that, but they want mankind - for lunch! That plot line is a recipe that will have us all lining up for seconds in the chow line. And how about Lydia and Diane (June Chadwick and Jande Badler)? Beautiful and bitchy! I love it!
Sadly, that will have to do it for this edition of Entertainment Update. My Kobayashi Maru Neutronic Fuel Carrier manual arrived today and I'm literally wet with anticipation! Not to rub it in, but this little baby reveals all the details about this mysterious unseen ship from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.
Until next time then, loyal readers, this has been your Man of Action, Man of Bronze bringing you all the latest, all the greatest.
3.14.2006
black and blue teeth
I’m not a violent man, but recently I’ve been inclined to induce great bodily harm on an ever growing population of seemingly innocent people. This segment of society is not limited to one particular race or creed. It crosses gender barriers and includes a wide array of age groups. It’s not determined by sexual preference and only moderately influenced by one’s income bracket. It is, however, the bane of those once called “in touch” with the technological revolution. I’m speaking of course of the ear-piece cell phone generation known as “blue-toothers” or in certain circles, “blue-teeth.”
In my childhood we had another name for those who appeared to be talking to themselves. They were referred to as “crazy people.” At what point did my neighborhood grocery store become everyone else’s speaker phone. I didn’t get the memo. Suddenly I’m forced to listen to (and pretend I’m not) a one sided conversation about "…that awful red dress that Jenny was wearing today…it was like so slutty…I know…I KNOW!…Do you think she’s sleeping with Mr. Finklestein…who…Jason…I thought he was gay."
And suddenly I’m fantasizing about whittling the cucumber in my basket into a prison style shiv and plunging it into her mechanically covered ear. As if you’re not annoying enough with your half-face, pink tint sunglasses and your knee-high fuck-friendly fur boots. Which brings me to another subject I would like to touch on. If there’s more fur on your boots than on the little toy poodle waiting impatiently in your Lexus, you might just be an asshole. In which case, there is no hope for either of us.
In my childhood we had another name for those who appeared to be talking to themselves. They were referred to as “crazy people.” At what point did my neighborhood grocery store become everyone else’s speaker phone. I didn’t get the memo. Suddenly I’m forced to listen to (and pretend I’m not) a one sided conversation about "…that awful red dress that Jenny was wearing today…it was like so slutty…I know…I KNOW!…Do you think she’s sleeping with Mr. Finklestein…who…Jason…I thought he was gay."
And suddenly I’m fantasizing about whittling the cucumber in my basket into a prison style shiv and plunging it into her mechanically covered ear. As if you’re not annoying enough with your half-face, pink tint sunglasses and your knee-high fuck-friendly fur boots. Which brings me to another subject I would like to touch on. If there’s more fur on your boots than on the little toy poodle waiting impatiently in your Lexus, you might just be an asshole. In which case, there is no hope for either of us.
3.13.2006
Fear is a Method
Big words are hardly enough to pull yourself out of a paranoid anxiety attack. That's why all of the paranoid people I know choose small words. Like: Ping, Wiff, Jet, Dent. There is simplicity in small words; a primal function of size that was treasured by all of the prominent ancient civilizations. The Egyptians refused to sacrifice babies with long, complicated names. The Druids at first were known as the Ids, until they changed their monosyllabic name to more closely resemble that of the powerful High Priest Drubansen. He single-handedly defeated King Long Eye and ended the War of the Ten Islands. The Mayans had only one word, and it was "Bub". Bub was given to them by the Martians, for language greatly depressed the Martians. They lived in fear that language would undermine the essence of Martian creed. And it did, or that's what they were afraid of.
Ignorance with flashing red lights.
Ok, so I have tried to answer these questions internally... but it has really been tearing me up for quite some time now. Eating at the fiber of my being. For the life of me, I can't figure out why the tops of school buses are painted white! WHY?
I thought that if I just kept it to myself, one day the answer would make itself known to me. But it hasn't. I have even taken to asking people, those people that I encounter that I feel might really know their school buses, and no one seems to know.
Then, just today while pondering this cruel conundrum, I realized that I don't even know why school buses are yellow! I really thought I knew the ins and outs of these scholastic chariots, of this I was quite confident. But now I realize, I know so little.
Please help me in my quest for school bus knowledge, the section of my brain where colors and school buses overlap is thirsty for answers.
Why are the tops of school buses white?
Why are school buses yellow?
This is all really just a precursor to questions I have about people who are school bus drivers... what makes those people tick?
...but first things first...
I thought that if I just kept it to myself, one day the answer would make itself known to me. But it hasn't. I have even taken to asking people, those people that I encounter that I feel might really know their school buses, and no one seems to know.
Then, just today while pondering this cruel conundrum, I realized that I don't even know why school buses are yellow! I really thought I knew the ins and outs of these scholastic chariots, of this I was quite confident. But now I realize, I know so little.
Please help me in my quest for school bus knowledge, the section of my brain where colors and school buses overlap is thirsty for answers.
Why are the tops of school buses white?
Why are school buses yellow?
This is all really just a precursor to questions I have about people who are school bus drivers... what makes those people tick?
...but first things first...
2.27.2006
Relax, eruption is imminent.
Some people find the sound of the ocean soothing, some people get off on bus fumes, Others stab hobos down at the switchyard. Me I watch volcanoes on webcams from no less then two time zones away. I find that in my desire to see magma turn to lava my everyday worries are just wisked away.
Watch Mt. St. Helens for yourself.
http://www.fs.fed.us/gpnf/volcanocams/msh/
See you're relaxed already.
Watch Mt. St. Helens for yourself.
http://www.fs.fed.us/gpnf/volcanocams/msh/
See you're relaxed already.
2.24.2006
Letters: Otter Pops
To whom it may concern,
I was happy to learn that Otter Pops were once again available, as they were a favorite treat of mine growing up. Upon discovering their reintroduction into the frozen arena I immediately ordered two cases from your website. One for me and one for a friend who shares my nostalgic love of frozen water and sugar. Hers was a surprise, a Christmas present in fact. I eagerly awaited their arrival.
Finally the day came, after 6 weeks of waiting due to a "back order" problem. Nevertheless, when the Christmas present came, in late January, I was still excited and couldn't wait to give it to her. I rushed to her house and presented her with the box-o-fun. We quickly opened it and threw some in the freezer. It was then when the lies started to expose themselves. We noticed that the old individual packaging with the likes of Alexander the Grape, Strawberry Short Kook, and Sir Issac Lime had been replaced by a boilerplate packaging design. The wonder of the Otter Pops of years past was the indivuality of each character/flavor, I remember nearly coming to blows with my brother because I wanted the last Alexander the Grape. Now a whole generation of brothers will be fighting over the "purple one." Real stimulating, you are really doing your part to nurture the creative minds of the youth. You deserve a medal, only it won't be a medal, it will be a button and we won't actually give it to you but we will photocopy it and tape it to your shirt. We will tell you it's a medal though and you will eat it up.
Our dismay over the packaging was quite a letdown, but we were still willing to accept that the winds of change had blown the Otter Pops towards cheapskateville. After waiting for an hour or so, it was time to taste a bit of our frozen youth. We joyfully chose the Popsicle of our fancy— mine purple, hers green. What happened next was nothing less than despicable! The treats that we so yearned for were not our delicious friends from the past, but simply Flavor-ice in sheep's clothing. This was no longer the delicous frozen treat that we once loved it was different, but familar. It was Flavor-Ice! Imagine our dismay. Not only have you taken away the individuals who ruled over the Popsicle kingdom you have bulldozed that kingdom and put up a strip mall, and there is both a Starbucks and a Blockbuster in this strip mall.
My dear frozen water and sugar conglomerate, I hope that your profits are way up, but I also hope you realize that in cutting your corners you are depriving a whole generation of the things that MADE Otter Pops. Anyone can put some water in a plastic tube and you are certainly proving that. Otter Pops used to have personality. Now, they aren't even worthy of the name, so I implore you to give up the charade. If you are going to sell these Otter Pops, don't waste our time, just call them Flavor-Ice and save the lies for the Republican party.
Regards,
2.17.2006
saving a life, or a freaky saturday night
Pull the dogs tongue and place it on one side of his mouth. Make sure to take out any foreign object that is obstructing the airway. If the dog has fallen into water, place him "face down" to get the water out of his lungs.
Lay the dog on his right side and place his head and neck on the floor as if the dog were looking forward in order to allow the maximum amount of air to go in. Place your hands around the dog's nose as if making an air bag with them. Put your lips on the "air bag" and blow without stopping for three seconds, this way your breath will go into the nose of the dog and fill his lungs with air. Rest for about two seconds and repeat again. Continue until the dog is able to breath on his own again.
Cardiac massages for a dog>
If a dog's heart stops beating, give the dog cardiac massages immediately. Do this by:
Place the inferior part of your palm over the left side of the dog's chest, right behind the dog's elbow. Place your other hand on top of this one and push with a downward and upward force, towards the dogs head.
Push on the dog three times very quickly and firmly. Then do CPR on the dog. You should alternate this in the following way: pump, pump, pump, breath etc. Each pump should be about one second of separation.
Repeat this whole sequence fifteen to twenty times per minute until you are able to hear the dog's heart beat. When you are able to feel the dogs heart beat, stop pumping and continue giving CPR to the dog while you are rushing to the veterinary clinic.
- seefido.com
Have fun, pervert.
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