Sheer Beauty

Photo: Tom Appel


The orthoepist wore earmuffs

The orthoepist wore earmuffs, which he earned helping the elderly after the earthquake. He was eager to show them off so he headed eastward. He was an eccentric young man, egotistical and egregious at nearly all of his endeavors. Yet evangelism he found effortless for he was quite educated about it and equally enthusiastic. He envisioned an army of evangelists in earmuffs, free of emolument, eventually able to evoke an evolution of either the egg-headed or evil-minded. But by Easter Sunday his enjoyment with evangelism had evaporated. He eyed a more easy-going employment in erotica. He was envious of hookers, or so it says on his epitaph.


greener grass II

Today the mouse stopped by the kitchen stool to "shoot the proverbial breeze" as he put it. He used words like "portfolio", and "'78 Riesling", and "sun-drenched sunday drives". I paid him only a cursory attention, content to admire the kitchen window's semi-transparent rendition of a man on a stool: hair disheveled, underwear stiff with last night's ejaculate. The gentle steam spilling up from the mouse's coffe mug finally interrupted my lobotomy stare. I remember when I used to drink coffee. I wish i had some now.


Perspicuous in P

Puzzled with pattern? Perplexed by pondering? Then you might find this passage less than perspicuous. You could pass it on to the Pentagon but they would probably just persecute you. Perhaps they’d call you a pansy and pull on your ponytail, or poke you in the pupils. Either way their patronizing is bound to be pernicious. Personally I find politicians annoying. Their pessimism is nothing short of pointless. Have they considered the possibility that pointing out someone else’s problems is simply a perversion? Like they’re so privileged they can just say what they please. I get so peeved just thinking about it. Like the person I sold a cup of pee to as a boy, claiming it was lemonade. That guy was so pissed, pardon the pun. Sometimes I wonder if he told his parents. My folks would have peeled around the corner like they drove a Porche and picked a fight with his Papa. Of course my dad was no poltroon. In fact he was generally the protagonist in any competition. He’d pull peacocks from his pockets, pluck their feathers and use them as projectiles, pronouncing to the world his prominence in feats of strength. Anyway what do you expect from a pauper like my Pa, plainly he had something to prove.


Vitamin-fed Superducks

Vitamin-fed Superducks is the answer to alot of questions.

What is my favorite food?
Who should the democrats push to the forefront for the 08 election?
How does Macaulay Culkin stay so young?
Who keeps writing my name on all the highway overpasses?
The Who?

... and now it appears that they are also the answer to our nations crack like addiction to oil.

Now that Rube & I have solved that head scratcher, this will free up more time for more important issues, like badminton.


the grass is greener

The mouse darted across the linoleum and vanished into the subflooring. From my kitchen stool i could see the soft glow of candlelight illuminating his entrance, gently flickering in the stirring drafts generated by his forced air heating unit. Barely audible was the rise and fall of his guests' dinner conversation above the spinning 45s of pre-Korean War honky tonk and the occasional clink of fine stemware as toasts were bantered back and forth at a near-dizzying pace. None of this escaped my attention from my kitchen perch. I was alone, clad solely in underwear, eating corn chips. Contemplating masturbation. Were the power turned on, the television would surely be snowing. I hate that mouse.


Orthoepy in O

Orthoepy in O

It seems like just yesterday I saw an orthoepist trying to pronounce his role. What a silly man with his Vinnie Delpino haircut and his obvious Buck Rogers “how do you do.” He would sit in his oubliette eating omelets while cursing the Mayan’s and their word “bub” for its undeniable complexity. He dreamed of a day when he could fashion osmium from orris and oust those Mayans from Ouagodougou. It was a lofty plan, but he imagined otherwise; of course, he was usually sauced on ouzo. Generally speaking he was an oenophile but he loved that sweet flavor of ouzo and its odoriferousness. He thanked the Grecians for their creation often, calling them outstanding and other words starting with “O.” Besides, intoxicants were the only way he could ignore the obnoxious warbles of the odious ovenbird which nested outside his dungeon. There are oodles of ovenbirds in Ottawa, enough to make him loathe ornithology. So he would ossify oatmeal and stone the ovenbirds, but most people saw this as ostentatious. Occasionally I still hear of the orthoepist and his obstreperous occupation. It seems he’s simply over-anxious about being an octoroon.


entertainment update

Your Tardis has just materialized on the lawn of the White House in the year 1945. The stars and stripes are nowhere to be seen! Flying in their place are red flags emblazoned with a pecuilar cross. What in the name of finely sculpted miniatures is going on here?
Only in the brave new world of Doctor Who could such an adventure take place. I'm giving this new series 4 out of 5 Time Lords and also recommending that you scour the department store shelves for its another-saturday-night-alone companion, the Doctor Who Role Playing Game! With these adventures through time and space, social interaction will seem as foreign as Temporal Marauder fashion sense!

Still searching for the ultimate escape? How about an enchanting young acress realizing her own fantasy, cavorting with unicorns and consorting with pixies? Mia Sara steps out: "I always find fantasy a comfortable environment, quite frankly. I get caught up in it frequently. I think fantasy is wonderful." This is one fantasy that's sure to sizzle this summer as Mia appears opposite another up and comer, the tall drink of water that responds to "Tom Cruise", in Ridley Scott's Legend.

Put that stereo down and get out of the bathtub! Beautiful enamel on "gold" Star Trek pins are now available. Approximately 1" wide, you too can appear to be master of all galaxies you survey with Klingon Ranks (Admiral and Captain), Star Trek Executive Insignia w/ Logo, and the highly coveted United Federation of Planets symbol. Why open your mouth and instantly condemn your feeble attempts at conversation with the petite brunette that rides A1 Line each business day? Remember? The one you followed at a reasonable, yet criminally invasive distance? From now on these hot commemorative lapel enhacers will say everything that needs to be said.

News Flash America!
Japan + Animation = JAPANIMATION! Giant robots, space boys, and wide-eyed teen heroes zoom onto syndicated television as Japanese science-fiction cartoons amaze America! Glimpse into a future of eastern-tinged television programming that screams latent sexuality and $2 voice-overs. Keep your eyes peeled for upcoming marvels like Force Five, Thunderbirds 2086, and Voltron, Defender of the Universe!

Anyone else had their lives completely confiscated by NBC's spine-tingler V??? These Visitors (get it??) are mean, nasty, and they're lizards, to boot! Not only that, but they want mankind - for lunch! That plot line is a recipe that will have us all lining up for seconds in the chow line. And how about Lydia and Diane (June Chadwick and Jande Badler)? Beautiful and bitchy! I love it!

Sadly, that will have to do it for this edition of Entertainment Update. My Kobayashi Maru Neutronic Fuel Carrier manual arrived today and I'm literally wet with anticipation! Not to rub it in, but this little baby reveals all the details about this mysterious unseen ship from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

Until next time then, loyal readers, this has been your Man of Action, Man of Bronze bringing you all the latest, all the greatest.


black and blue teeth

I’m not a violent man, but recently I’ve been inclined to induce great bodily harm on an ever growing population of seemingly innocent people. This segment of society is not limited to one particular race or creed. It crosses gender barriers and includes a wide array of age groups. It’s not determined by sexual preference and only moderately influenced by one’s income bracket. It is, however, the bane of those once called “in touch” with the technological revolution. I’m speaking of course of the ear-piece cell phone generation known as “blue-toothers” or in certain circles, “blue-teeth.”

In my childhood we had another name for those who appeared to be talking to themselves. They were referred to as “crazy people.” At what point did my neighborhood grocery store become everyone else’s speaker phone. I didn’t get the memo. Suddenly I’m forced to listen to (and pretend I’m not) a one sided conversation about "…that awful red dress that Jenny was wearing today…it was like so slutty…I know…I KNOW!…Do you think she’s sleeping with Mr. Finklestein…who…Jason…I thought he was gay."
And suddenly I’m fantasizing about whittling the cucumber in my basket into a prison style shiv and plunging it into her mechanically covered ear. As if you’re not annoying enough with your half-face, pink tint sunglasses and your knee-high fuck-friendly fur boots. Which brings me to another subject I would like to touch on. If there’s more fur on your boots than on the little toy poodle waiting impatiently in your Lexus, you might just be an asshole. In which case, there is no hope for either of us.


Fear is a Method

Big words are hardly enough to pull yourself out of a paranoid anxiety attack. That's why all of the paranoid people I know choose small words. Like: Ping, Wiff, Jet, Dent. There is simplicity in small words; a primal function of size that was treasured by all of the prominent ancient civilizations. The Egyptians refused to sacrifice babies with long, complicated names. The Druids at first were known as the Ids, until they changed their monosyllabic name to more closely resemble that of the powerful High Priest Drubansen. He single-handedly defeated King Long Eye and ended the War of the Ten Islands. The Mayans had only one word, and it was "Bub". Bub was given to them by the Martians, for language greatly depressed the Martians. They lived in fear that language would undermine the essence of Martian creed. And it did, or that's what they were afraid of.

Ignorance with flashing red lights.

Ok, so I have tried to answer these questions internally... but it has really been tearing me up for quite some time now. Eating at the fiber of my being. For the life of me, I can't figure out why the tops of school buses are painted white! WHY?

I thought that if I just kept it to myself, one day the answer would make itself known to me. But it hasn't. I have even taken to asking people, those people that I encounter that I feel might really know their school buses, and no one seems to know.

Then, just today while pondering this cruel conundrum, I realized that I don't even know why school buses are yellow! I really thought I knew the ins and outs of these scholastic chariots, of this I was quite confident. But now I realize, I know so little.

Please help me in my quest for school bus knowledge, the section of my brain where colors and school buses overlap is thirsty for answers.

Why are the tops of school buses white?

Why are school buses yellow?

This is all really just a precursor to questions I have about people who are school bus drivers... what makes those people tick?

...but first things first...