your fortune cookie

It's over dude.


The Stork Debunked

Son: Dad, where do babies come from?
Dad: Son, all human life originates from the center of the universe.
Son: I don’t unders---
Dad: Well you see, the Bible says the center of the universe is this mushy Bisquick biscuit looking thing that floats like a brown jewel…out there [pointing], out there in outer space. [in his best fatherly voice] And God said, in the beginning there was the darkness. And the darkness was scary and boring. And its only comfort was the thought of a scantily clad woman laying face down in the stars.
Son: Wow! Can I see the center of the universe from here?
Dad: No son, the center of the universe is far far away.
Son: Well are there other people in the universe?
Dad: Yes, for sure. They live on planets just like our own, planets that also orbit [gesturing with his hand] the center of the universe. Lucky for us we have a nice orbit. Some other folks, well let’s just say it’s hot and smelly where they live.
Son: So if the babies come from the center of the universe, how do they get from there to here?
Dad: Son, this is a conversation that we should keep between just you…and me…OK?
Son: Yes Dad, anything!
Dad: Ok, when babies are born they land on the big dark floating biscuit, right?
Son: Yes?!
Dad: And you know the fastest way from Oz to Kansas, right?
Son: Duh Dad, click your heels!
Dad: Ok son, right. Now Oz is some fake TV bullshit, but the real world works sorta the same way. And that’s how Moses came up with the idea for that movie in the first place, Dorothy, the robot lions, the whole thing. Most people don’t know but Moses was also big into some…
Son: Dad! The babies!
Dad: Ok, right. Between you and me and the Bible, [getting excited] all the babies do is, crouch down, get real quiet…wiggle their big toe and Bing Bing! Smack dab to Main Street USA! It’s a miracle [getting more serious] but it’s a prophecy that is fulfilled time and time again and all over the whole wide universe of ours. What do you think, amazing?!
Son: [matter of factly] I love biscuits Dad.
Dad: [proud] Me too son, me too.

Hand Shake

Now that you've been granted permission to join there are few ground rules we must go over...

1 Pants must be worn at all times.
2 Tomatoes are a fruit. I don't care what anybody else says.
3 Bob Barker is a national treasure and Drew Carry is not fit to goose the ass of any model on that show.
4 The attached chart is the secret handshake. Learn it. Know it. Live it. You will be tested on it.


second urinal on the right

Four Mondays ago, there was vomit in the second urinal on the right in the men’s room.
Three Mondays ago, the water was continuously running in the second urinal on the right in the men’s room. It kept spilling out onto the floor and sliding towards a drain.
Two Mondays ago, I did not make it to the men’s room.
This past Monday, I was filled with anticipation as to what I would find happening in and around the second urinal on the right in the men’s room.
Alas, this past Monday, there was nothing happening in or around the second urinal on the right in the men’s room.


Bider and Spird

As we hung legs and wings entangled,
I swore the feeling of joy would overcome me.
So I buried my fangs deep into your abdomen,
Entering first through your esophagus.

For minutes and more I sucked your juice and smiled;
Never stopping only joyous
Until you failed to give up the fluid.
I hastily filled my guts with your eyes and shit out the remainders.

Read More

true and lonesome

A few years back, a young man said something to me. He was talking about another person, no one of consequence. He said that this person “got blasted all the way to heaven, but he was still all alone.”
I thought it was pretty deep.
I still think it’s pretty deep.
Was this young man waxing astronomical, pondering how alone and inconsequential it must feel to orbit our earth, surrounded by the complete vastness and silence of outer space?
Maybe he was chewing on his mortality, or mankind’s collective mortality. Maybe he was talking about our desire to understand an after-life…a higher power…only to realize in the end that we’ve been chasing a rabbit down a foxhole, a pot of gold, a pipe dream.
If I ever get the chance, I’d like to ask that young man just what exactly he meant.
I hope we all have the chance to get blasted to heaven. I feel like I’ve already tried it once or twice. It was kind of lonely. Or maybe it was the lonesomeness that brought on the blasting…chicken or the egg, right?
A few years back a stranger said something to me, right after that young man blasted my mind to heaven. He said “I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. That young man. I sure hope he makes the finals.”
I sure hope he makes it, too.



I just had a conversation. This is it:
Him: Hey brother, how's it going? Long time man. This place looks good. Used to be a shoe store you know? I'm a gourmet chef.
Me: Whatcha got man?
Him: Listen, I just got out of receiving. They are breaking both of my arms in the morning.
Me: Get to the point.
Him: I need 22 cents to go down here and get a prescription, I just need this one pill.
Me: Nope, can't do it man.
Him: Look here, I have all my credentials, it's just 22 cents man.
Me: No. Head out bro.
Him: How about 10 cents, can I just get a dime.
Me: No.


Sometimes you don't act your age, and I wonder "what the hell..."
But then, I am often twenty too.

I love you. I'm leaving.

When you turn real close and I hear you breathing
I know I love you but I know I’m leaving
You’ll wake up in the daylight and I’ll be gone

Oh the time I carried you up these stairs
So young so in love so without a care
I’ll never lead you up these stairs again

Out the door and onto the road
She alone knows what I know
She’s never right, she’s never wrong
I loved you once but now I’m getting on
Her and I we’ll never fight
She won’t throw things, she won’t bite
Stand by my side for mile after mile
That road’s been runnin’ for the longest time
And callin’ me, sayin’ she’s mine
Her and I’ll run away and find our home

Now things have changed, they often do
Sure there’s love, but you and I are through
Tell your dad I couldn’t keep my word

One day I’ll send a letter by the U.S. mail
And it’ll find you through the rain and the hail
It’ll say I love you but I’m still leaving
I’m leaving without telling you “so long”


A lot of people have been asking me, "where do you get your wallets?"

To which I reply, "I usually get them at TJ Maxx. It's a good place to get a wallet on the cheap. You just have to dig."

I then resist telling them that I always think about how easy it would be to steal a wallet from TJ Maxx when I am wallet shopping there. Mostly because I don't need people thinking I am a thief, or that I have thief-like thoughts.

I always forget to tell the people asking that I have also received wallets as gifts in the past.


Friday Links.

The rail life.
For the packaging people. You know who you are.

Mindless populism
The world is your canvas. At least part of it.


Friday Links.

Hand dryers from around the world.
European cinema postcards

Worldwide air traffic
HBO Graphics of the 80s
Motion logos
The sprinkler rainbow conspiracy.
The Tiddy Bear REALLY??

The facial-haired deeds of one man!
Russian sausage art
Food art (non-Russian)
A flow chart of procrastination.
Enter the world of Eichler Design. (check out the house tour)
Get the boot
Some political illustrations
Planet of the Apes spaceship whereabouts