I am no Paul McCartney.

I once watched Paul McCartney shave.

He lathered up his whole face with shaving cream. Over the lips and all. I thought that was odd. Also, he talked a lot while he was shaving. I guess that is what fame will do to a man.

I went home and tried to shave this way. This is when I first learned, I am no Paul McCartney. This was fortified when I tried to play bass left handed.



I once overheard a conversation on a train. Man 1 was telling Man 2 about a young child, his nephew, who had an interesting affliction. It seems this boys body produced the equivalent of 100 times the amount of mucus that a normal person would produce. This was weird enough to classify as the strangest thing I had eavesdropped that day, but there was more. It seems that as a biproduct of his super-mucus this boy was extremely prone to electrical shock. A simple "zap" in an underhumidified room from a polyestered bystander would cause a mini explosion in his nasal cavity.

Man 1 went on to describe how this put a severe damper on the boys lifestyle. No exposure to shag carpet, everything had to be humidified, and absolutely no balloons aloud... ANYWHERE!

I am not sure why this stuck in my head for all these years. I had not thought about it in quite some time, I suppose I almost forgot about it. Until today, when I read about the man whose nose spontaneously exploded in a small town outside Topeka. It made me wonder. Was this the same boy I had heard about so many years ago?

I don't know why, but I pictured a balloon as the culprit in the explosion. I just assumed that all those years living his life without the joy of a simple balloon and the static electricity that goes with it, that he would have yearned for holding that balloon just one time. Or maybe he got his nose shot off in the mean streets of suburban Topeka. I don't know I didn't finish the article.


Ray Bradbury Was Right

Why did they build them?
Who thunk such suckiness?
Was it Pharaoh, Napolean, Jake Busey?

Why was the old way worse?
Did they mean to jettison tradition?
Were they angry at the sun?

Someone built a library.
And someone else in turn
Built another even taller.
And quieter.

Now any Joe Pencil, high on cheap green
With dreams of fiasco plums and world domination
Can peruse the photos of late-seventies female tennis players
And draw thick pirate moustaches

In inappropriate places.

I stand firmly opposed
To the slander and pain
Brought forth by librarianism.

I will persevere and store my books
Where my father and his father
Did theirs.

In the moist recesses of my own rectum.


Tis the seasoning

A good friend of mine had a very productive day last week by experiencing 9, count them, 9 epiphanies. I would like to take a moment to thank him for generously sharing them with us. Thank You.

I've got to say as far as epiphanies go they were goods ones. One, however stood out to me. Number 9. His revelation that we are ushering in the "Pepper" age in the sack-food arena has changed my outlook on life. If you are not familiar with his post I suggest you take a moment and go several entries below and read his thoughts on this subject in the comments section.

Welcome back.

I agree with him that Pepper is on the cusp of greater acceptance, however we must not forget the proud history Pepper has. Unlike Salt, the every-man's seasoning, Pepper is the party dress of food-enhancements and saved for special occasions. You never see anyone foolishly wasting pepper by tossing it over their shoulder. Nor do you see waiters in fine restaurants asking if you would like ground salt on your Caesar salad. There is even a fine cut of meat baring this noble seasoning's name, Pepper Steak. You would gag at the tiniest bite of a salt-encrusted steak.

Even though Pepper and Salt are synonymous they couldn't be more different. Our esteemed colleague Pepper comes from fruit of a lush green plant that is found in tropical climates. Table Salt is a rock that is mined from the ground. I tend to favor eating plants over rocks. How about you?

Pepper comes in various varieties: black, green, red, and white. Salt: table and road.

Snack food enthusiasts should shout from the mountain tops that their palates will now get to tango with the bold rush of Pepper. Salt should thank it's lucky stars that Pepper decided to "slum it" down in the snack-food projects.

But be aware that your consciousness is not yet ready for full-on pepper flavor, so be content the powers that be have dumbed it down by pairing it with salt. But as the age of awakening continues Pepper will come into it's own and rest assure Pepper will become a major player on the scene.

For homework please head out to your local convenient store and pick up a few hunks of peppered jerky. For when the full onslaught of the pepper arrives you will be of the first to stand up and say "Pepper. Yes Please".


It's all handshakes and baby kissing

I shook hands with the newly re-elected Governor of Illinois this morning. His hands were soft and my handshake much firmer than his. He was on TV when I went to sleep last night, then already at the train station where I saw him this morning at 7:30ish. Although his handshake is a bit on the wussy side, he sleeps less than me and his hair is quite impressive in person.


Bruce Willis is a genius

In life, there are few better experiences than removing your socks after a long day. Relief and relaxation, comfort and cooling, it’s hard to beat sweaty feet airing themselves on a coffee table…unless it’s making fists with your toes. Shag carpet is the best, but nearly anything will work. You just crumple your toes and try to lift the carpet with that little area between the toes and the ball of your foot. And for those of you “in the know” you’re probably saying to yourselves that got this idea from Bruce Willis in the original Die Hard movie. Well I did, but then again Die Hard got its idea from a little movie called Towering Inferno...so I guess all is fair in movies ideas and sock removal.


7 of the 9 miniature epiphanies I had today.
(note: it's only noon)

1) Warm yogurt is good for no one.
2) Left handed people need to shut up about being left handed.
3) The wind is a bitch.
4) I look at digital clocks far too often at 11:28 for it to be a coincidence.
5) I think about the show Night Court a lot, and therefore Reinhold Weege.
6) Picture frames are way too expensive.
7) There should be a Kurt Vonnegut day. It should replace Tuesday.