12.27.2006

Double Move.

Ok, so I have been trying to suppress this, but I can't. I used to be a big fan of professional football. There was nothing more I enjoyed more than spending a hungover sunday on the couch watching 8 hours of the pigskin ballet. I had a spell where I even entertained the notion of buying myself a referees jersey, luckily that passed.

Like I said, I used to be a big fan. My fandom diminished when my viewing was filtered through the multi-headed beast that is fantasy football. In my haste to prove my website changing prowess over my friends, the game changed. I was watching the ticker on the bottom of the screen more than the game... slowly it poisoned the game... but this is all here nor there, I didn't come here today to open a forum on the goods and evils of fantasy sports... or any of your fantasys for that matter.

What I need to vent today is this. THE FUCKING "DOUBLE MOVE"!

Ok, I don't know how much you watch football on television. Like I said above, I don't watch as much as I used to, and I by no means proclaim to be an expert. But I am pretty damn sure that the phrase "double move" was invented sometime early this season.... And since then, no wide receiver anywhere has done anything but a "double move"! It drives me absolutely insane. From where I am sitting nothing has changed as far as the wide receivers routes, it is just that Johnny Thickneck (ret.) in the booth now deems every damn route a "double move".

So the "double move" (as I understand it), is any time a WR makes one move, which last years was just part of the route, and then makes another move (hence the "double")...

This whole phrase creating this is nothing new, you may remember that the "red zone" was invented about a decade ago, and really brought front and center by the new cutting edge graphics of todays telecasts! I swear to god Eric Hipple would roll over in his grave!

I just wanted to share this with you, because it really is about the most annoying thing going... I hope it irritates you as much as it irritates me, because I can't endure this alone...

I wonder if there was a league wide memo? Because I really can't explain it, not since the "is that your final answer" craze of 02 have I seen a catch phrase catch on so quickly.... Which reminds me, I just want to tell all my friends up front that if I see you with a tshirt or a coolie that said "double move" on it, I am going to do a "double move" on you... Steal one of your shoes and hide your keys...

Go Lions!

12.24.2006

Top 5 words of 06

5. Balls!!!
4. Aces!
3. Smoothie
2. Mustache
1. Triptofantastic


Least Favorite words of 06

5. Danza
4. Ferber
3. Redundancy
2. Ferber
1. Comcastic

Top 5 P.F. posts of 06

5. Tis the seasoning
4. To Whom It May Concern:
3. Huge Calculator
2. I was a teenage hand model
1. Fear is a Method

12.20.2006

the final mustached days of 06

As I sit here, trying to keep my mustache out of my mouth, I am overwhelmed with the annual year end lists that are all the rage in late december. Best of, most overlooked, Purplest (prince won again)... When will it stop? My first reflex is to create lists of my own... in short, start and stop, meandering fits... and since my first reflex has never (ever) been wrong my entire life (so far) that is what I am going to do.

Without further delay.
my year end lists

Top 4 unresolved issues of 06
1. I never found out why the tops of school busses are white. It is driving me absolutely insane.
2. I never got around to weaving that belt out of the nose hair of a goat. I have long longed for a belt like this, and finally 2006 was the year that I collected enough goat nose hair... which is the hard part. Somehow I can't just sit down and do the easy part (the weaving). Maybe all along, I just wanted the chase... i.e. to pluck hairs from a goats nose.
3. I still havent drank egg nog from a moose glass
4. The greatest true story ever told*

Top 5 snacks I want to eat until the inside of my mouth bleeds of 06
1. salt & pepper cashews
2. sea salt & pepper kettle chips
3. pepper
4. salted pepper
5. peppered bannanas

Top 7 hookers "my friend" told me about meeting in the home depot parking lot of 06
1. Kiki
2. Cookie
3. "Sif" Phyliss
4. Kate
5. Pauly Shore
6. Honor
7. Tall Noreen

Top 2 concerts I didnt get to see in 06
1. The Distasteful Gentlemen at Shea Stadium
2. Gutshot: The reunion tour

Top 1 word modifying year end lists in 06 (also top "spiny" toy of 06)
1. Top

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Now it's your turn. What are your top 5 PF posting of 06?

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Happy Boxing Day everybody!
May your holiday season be filled with the joy of the Merry Mustache.
Love your neighbor, shock brains, and be kind to domesticated pets.

12.11.2006

Confession: "I choked a bitch"

I too have a confession to make.

When I'm in my basement making love (usually alone) I often am the host of my own fucking show inside my head. I recite to the "audience" the proper way to thrust and parry. The segments generally last between 15 and 30 seconds and are "taped" for a global internet audience. Reality and the occasoinal-paid-for-sex-worker provide the laugh track.

Usually I can refrain from squeezing or biting when I'm "hosting" my show. Last night however, as I "prepared my meal" I went to add a dash of some excitement and accidentally "choked the bitch."

Now I'm being sued.

12.09.2006

Confession: Bamm!!!

I have a confession to make, and since I'm not catholic, protestant, jewish, mormon, episcopalian or satanic, I've decided this would be the best forum. Please don't think less of me after you read this. Remember I'm only human.

Ok...here I go.

When I'm in my kitchen making food (usually dinner) I often am the host of my own cooking show inside my head. I recite to the "audience" the proper way to prepare anything from fine cuisine to grilled cheese. The segments generally last between 15 and 30 minutes and are "taped" before a studio audience. I'm still working on acquiring a laugh track.

Usually I can refrain from talking out loud or even moving my lips when I'm "hosting" my show. Today however, as I prepared my meal I went to add a dash of salt and accidently shouted "bamm!"
Now I'm being sued.

12.02.2006

Truth Be Told

I flounder in the face of commitment.
I'm committed to floundering, I'll face it.

12.01.2006

your fortune cookie.

Impatient is the man who buys a calendar before January 1.