American Greeting Card System

There was a time when no matter how much I drank, smoked or swallowed in pill form I remained incapable of Oscar winning displays of theatrical prowess. Even today I struggle to connect with my emotions, ever hoping to make my break and kick the artistic world square in the huevos. And I have finally done it, succeeded where others failed.

I identified the flaws in America's greeting card system and, in the spirit of capitalistic brotherhood, endeavored to fix those problems for a fee. PF readers, here's where you come in. Find me someone to buy this shit. We'll talk money and fruity rum drinks later. Onward.

Let's call the bum crazy and admit America's greeting card system is dated. It's a relic of a simpler and arguably more fantastic time than our own. Greeting cards were created to express the joy, sympathy and thankfulness of a generation of white bread world war winners. I'm a modern man. I prefer a multi-grained bread and avoid war like a 1 pack of Tequiza. I know many PF readers (w. debalt's recent poll confirmed at least 1 person reads this blog) share my frustration with archaic condolence cards, sappy valentine's day cards, or sterile thank-you cards. I'm here to argue that 1) We don't need any of those damn things 2) What we do need are cards that fit our modern lifestyle and can therefore adapt to any occasion.

Card 1.
For your neighbor Bill "Bong Daddy" Bonter, who is confused by everything. I mean everything, the amazing, the ordinary, the sun. Just confused by it all.

There is a reason for everything.
There is also a finite number of jelly beans
in the Sacred Guessing Jar...
Which will be delivered to your door in exactly 3 minutes.

Card 2.
For Phyllis, your co-worker who is so tragically lazy that she kisses tons of ass, but only on Fridays.

God had a plan.
He also had a rectal disorder.
I hope he planned for you to have a rectal disorder.

Card 3.
For your teenage brother who is convinced that his generation is better than yours because they invented skateboards.

Simplicity is easily found in simple situations.
So is boredom.
You jack off too much.

Card 4.
For your grandma who refused to acknowledge that you're a vegetarian. Again. Another holiday dinner. MMM. Mustard sandwiches.

Tea is best served with milk and toast.
So is the flesh of the underclass.
Slavery happened.

Card 5.
For a previous girlfriend, or your mom if the spirit moves.

Behind every man is a great woman.
And a lifetime of anguish fueling a fear of commitment.
You almost made me gay.

Card 6.
Perhaps the most multi-purpose card. For any religious occasion, really. For your friend who told your darkest secret to the internet. Or to your nympho cousin Trina from Vegas. Bad Trina.

You could have thrown stones at glass houses.
Or pissed in a public swimming pool.
But you fucked a horse in church.


Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more. I am in need of a card that reads something like this.

Even though you were weaned by goats, I think you are a genius. Also, you are tall and that is something no one can take away from you. Happy Easter!

SmithJ said...

Thank you for your kind words. I am 5' 10'' tall and for many years I felt that I could never be short or tall. Your encouragement has inspired me, not to erection, but to action.

Card 7.
For people who are neither short, nor tall. Or for the aging male porn stars who are considering enrolling in community college.

The grandest oaks rose from acorns.
See the sky and your limitless potential.
Einstein humped like the devil's jackhammer.

Anonymous said...

I work with six people named phyllis, but I'll take an even 10 pack of card 2

Anonymous said...

Dear smithj,

I have 180 spoiled, bratty, sassy students that I am responsible for five days a week. Could you please create a card that addresses the following things:
1. Hygiene
2. Talking too loud
3. Ego-centrism

Please use your talent for delicious greetings to whip up something spicy.

SmithJ said...

Dear Ms. Anon,
As some scientists have conjectured, childrens' developmental abilities change as they grow older. Science claims to have proven that younger children understand more tactile and responsive information, whereas older children understand abstractions.

My research has proven these scientists wrong. In fact, my most successful market for greeting cards has forever been the preschools and elementery schools of Madagascar. May I share some of my best selling cards from that region?

Card 9.
For the kindergartener who insists that the red Lego is "MINE!" Or the eighth-grade stoner who eats frozen chorizo burritos. While still frozen. For breakfast. Every morning.

Stinky mouths lead to stinky butts,
And your ass would gag a shitworm.
Your mom must be a jungle whore.

Card 10.
For that spirited lad in your homeroom, his mommy is head of the school board. Or the jock football player who's girlfriend, unbeknownst to him, is the dish to pass at Harlem's Apollo Sunday Night Lesbian Bingo Game and Potluck.

The universe revolves around a mystical dark center.
Think of it as a chocolate candied sucker,
With its paper stick gagging your whiny mouth.

Card 11.
For your favorite hall monitor. He's the nerdy kid, but dammit he enforces the rules. Or your principal's spouse. Becuase isn't it really him/her that you're mad at?

You hold my world in an eerie democratic balance.
Somehow I dream of a magephone soaked in your voice,
Then soaked in the hydrochloric acid I stole from the chemistry supply closet.

Card 12.
For the math whiz. Who has successfully cheated his way through the first semester, and you'll be damned if he'll make it through the second. Or the gym teacher who doesn't remember your name, or the sucky sucky you handed out at last year's "teacher beer crawl".

My teeth are blood hungry
Like a cavebitch on prehistoric ghetto crack.
Better check yo'self.
And check your balls for crabs, I put some on your chair.