Villa and the Steamrollers

New Mexico's numerous "Do Not Pass" signs are remnants of Pancho Villa's last top secret mission to thwart the Americanization of the Southwest Territories. Villa, sensing his grip on the New Mexico Territory was weakening, vowed to leave a perpetual thorn in the side of the encroaching Americans. He especially despised the East Coast Americans, for even in the early 1900's, the industrious New Yorkers were building trendy coffee shops near the border of Old Mexico. Villa hated the smell of coffee, almost as much as he hated the smell of New Yorkers.

So he began covert operations to make the roads more curvy. For you see, Pancho Villa was a visionary. He invented the first steamroller and often fantasized about an efficient asphalt-based mass transit system. He knew mass transit was the key to the New York coffee invasion. He also surmised curvy roads to be the enemy of speedy mass transit. So he played his ace. His highly-trained group of mercenary road engineers heartlessly massacred nearly every straight road in New Mexico. In extreme displays of power, they constructed roads that had no beginning and no end.

To this day New Mexico has zero trendy coffee shops, with the exception of Santa Fe. Villa's girlfriend really loved coffee, so to appease her he made a deal with the aliens. In exchange for two carriage loads of Mexican Jumping Beans, the aliens gave Villa the schematic for a machine that defied the laws of physics, making it possible for curvy roads and trendy coffee shops to co-exist. But the aliens had the last laugh. Their machine also released microscopic particles which acted as both an aphrodisiac and a poison, attracting New Yorkers and repelling full and healthy moustaches.

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