Letters: Fritos

To Whom It May Concern,

Today I had a mid-afternoon craving. Familiar with this yearning, I opened my desk drawer, retrieved 70 cents and headed to the cafeteria. I inserted the coins in the almighty vending machine, pushed A7, and watched the coil retract and my favorite snack plummet to freedom. I reached in and grabbed what I so desired. I smiled, knowing that soon my hunger would be bludgeoned by a simple recipe of whole corn, corn oil, and salt. Fritos to the rescue. Oh thank you, old pal.

I opened the bag as I walked back to my desk. I started to chew with a smile. I sat down, and slowly realized something was different. I had never experienced this before. My Fritos® weren’t good! THEY WERE STALE! Aaaahhhhh, how could this happen? I have been disappointed by many things that I hold dear in my life (my friends, my family, the human race in general) but not you Fritos®. What is this world coming to?

My love of Fritos® goes back as far as I can remember. It was always the chip of choice in our house. I remember many carefree days as a kid drinking Pepsi® out of a glass bottle and enjoying the finest corn chips ever made. Eventually I gave up the Pepsi®, but I never outgrew the Fritos®. When I was in college, I boasted that I had accumulated the largest Frito® bag collection in the Midwest. I eventually sold off my collection, but I could never sell off my love of Fritos®.

Now this! My world is turned upside down! What am I to do when mid-afternoon hunger strikes? Next time I go to the vending machine, I will actually have to think, “maybe an Almond Joy® at D4 or some Munchos® at B6.” I don’t want D4 or B6, I want A7, I want you, Fritos®!

Now, I sincerely hope that this was one of those freak accidents. God knows it can’t be an easy task bringing corn-chip bliss to the masses. At the same time, I am sure that you, the good people of Frito Lay, would want to know that some bad Fritos® made it into the hands of the unsuspecting corn chip-loving community.

I hope that this serves as a wake up call to you, Frito Lay. You have an obligation to serve the corn chip community. I challenge you to rise to the challenge and produce nothing but the freshest corn chips that today’s corn chipping technology will allow. To make sure that you get them quickly, not only to slot A7 in the vending machine in the cafeteria down the hall in my office, but to every slot A7 in every cafeteria down the hall everywhere.

I leave you with the faithful words of the Frito Bandito.

Ayiee, yie-yie-yieeee,
I am dee Frito Bandito.
I love Frito's Corn Chips,
I love dem I do.
I love Frito's Corn Chips,
I take dem from you.

Yours in whole corn, corn oil, and salt.


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