I took a drink of my Coors Light, swallowed. The next thing I know I woke up, cold and confused. I looked to my right, and saw two middle aged women one was wearing sweatpants and a Seattle Seahawks t-shirt the other wore a toga. Both women wore boas, one green and one pink. They were watching the Ultimate Fighting Championship on a very small television. One of them must have noticed that I was awake, she came over to me and shoved a brat in my mouth, then instructed me to chew. I resisted at first, but then I realized that this was the best brat that I had ever tasted. I wolfed the entire thing down then turned to the woman in the green boa. "Where am I? And what's with the brats?"
She assured me that everything was fine. She said her name was Iris, and the other woman, the one in the toga, went by Dawn. Iris told me I was in no danger, that the brats were imported from Mali, and that I would find no finer brat in all the land. I said "NO SHIT!!" with my mouth full and focused on my second brat, which was just as good as the first. All of a sudden Dawn turned to me, looked me in the eye and yelled, "THE FIRST SPY AT THE IDLE LUAU WILL FEAST ON POI AND DANCE WITH DAWN... TIL DAWN!!!"
Maybe it was the brats, maybe the excitement of the Ultimate Fighting Championship match but her wild outburst didn't startle me at all. I just looked at her and said, "AHHHHHHH!" which made her smile and blink. As she continued to blink I heard a faint sound. It slowly grew louder, it seemed familiar. The louder it got the more familiar it seemed, I finally realized that it was the beginning of the song "Sober" by Tool. I looked back at Dawn and realized that she was blinking along to the song. I slapped her in the face and told her to "cut it out", then to lighten the mood I did the hand signals that Dave Coulier did on Full House when he said that. It worked, and she just turned and continued watching the Ultimate Fighting Championship on the small TV.
Just then a commercial came on the small television advertising the county fair, it encouraged us to "come on down and bring the kids..." The commercial promised "big fun!" and most importantly the star of Knight Rider "KIT" was to be there signing autographs. I was sold, and much to my surprise both Iris and Dawn were excited too. It seems that they liked Knight Rider even more than Ultimate Fighting Championship. Dawn opened a closet door and pulled out 3 backpacks, one she packed with what looked to be small wads of meat and gave to Dawn. In the next backpack, she place a shiny silver urn, and 3 packages of Big League Chew. She gave this bag to me and said, "you earned this one!" She then picked up the rug she had been standing on folded it neatly and placed it in her backpack. With our goods safely backpacked, we set out for the fairgrounds.
I was happy to get out of that little room, it was homey but smelled like jail and for some reason it made me think about Jason Barnes, he was a kid I went to elementary school with. He had lice in 2nd grade, I wonder what the long term psychological ramifications of having lice in second grade are... But enough about that we were on our way to see Kit at the county fair.
It seemed like it took forever to get there, we got lost several times and wound up in some interesting parts of town. We finally stopped and axed for directions, and it is a good thing we did because if we would have continued on the route we were on we would have wound up in the wrong county, and when looking for a county fair it is fairly important that you look in the correct county.
Once we found our way to the fair, it was like a little piece of heaven on a muddy lot. They had it all, big blue stuffed animal dogs, Van Halen mirrors, GOLDFISH!!! Dawn and Iris made a bee-line for the game where you shoot the clown in the mouth with the water pistol, which makes a balloon fill with air. They claimed to be really good at it, they really weren't, but they seemed to be having a lot of fun. This was one of the nicer squirt-the-clown-in-the-mouth games that I had seen. The guns were not pistols but uzis, I took some sweet pictures of Dawn holding the uzi gangster style, she looked really bad ass. But how can you not look bad ass wearing a toga and sporting an uzi? After about 45 minutes of errant squirting Iris finally won, much to her dismay her prize was a small box of Gain laundry detergent. Seems weird, but to some folks I suppose it is just as good as a mirror with a wrestler on it and everyone knows that only the biggest spenders get the huge purple bears.
Now that the girls had won something we could finally go and see Kit. To our delight, there was a very small line when we got there. In no time, we were face to bumper with Kit. He was very nice, and much shorter than he looks on TV. He posed for a bunch of pictures with us, then he signed the rug Iris had in her backpack. Iris then reached in my backpack and pulled out the urn, she offered Kit $20 if we could have some of his oil. To my surprise, he was more than willing to let us take some of his essential fluids. This saddened me a bit, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do to get by. We got to hang out with Kit for quite some time. He told us how he had been arrested in the late 80s for aiding and abetting an underground Shetland pony smuggling ring. It seems he thought it was a Shetland collie smuggling ring. "I thought they were smuggling doggys" is what he said. For the most part he was very nice, and aside from him referring to us as "Michael" I really thought he was a swell guy.
As we walked back down the midway toward the car we stopped to play one more game of chance, this one you tried to make Tarzan climb a vine by throwing ping pong balls at a cup. Dawn challenged me to win something, she said I couldn't do it. "Ho, I'll show you!", I exclaimed. Turns out I was quite good at this game and in no time I had won the girls a roach clip that had yellow and red feathers on it. They were happy and it really was the great way to end the day.
On the way home, we stopped at a gas station to get a snack. I choose a Hersey's bar, Dawn a roll of sprees, and Iris an Almond Joy and some corn nuts. On the way back to the car, I bit into my slab of chocolate delight and the next thing I know I woke up on my couch with a half full bottle of Coors Light in my hand and the Ultimate Fighting Championship on television.
Before I could think, the phone rang, a voice on the line said, "It's dawn"... I looked out the window and it was indeed daybreak. I asked the voice on the phone, "who is this?" the voice said, "It's Dawn" and then said something about wanting the "doubles of the toga uzi pictures and the ones with kit". I hung up.
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